Matt Carberry (kingpin248) wrote,
Matt Carberry

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"Jersey Shore" : unquestionably train wreck television...

These days, I'm pretty simple when it comes to my television tastes. If I could order channels a la carte, I'd have the networks (primarily for football and other big sports), the sports channels (both local and national), CNN and maybe another news network, and Comedy Central. That said, based on the events of this past week, I might need to add MTV to that repertoire - for the sole purpose of having accessibility to "Jersey Shore."

I would not normally have given this trash-tastic festivus much consideration. But the December 7 episode of "The B.S. Report" was centered upon MTV's newest reality offering, and as Bill and Dave Jacoby broke it down, I knew that it had serious train wreck potential. I took the plunge on Tuesday afternoon, and my expectations were greatly exceeded. That is to say, the situation was even worse than I'd predicted, but I remained transfixed. Let me clarify - I mean the general situation, as opposed to Mike, the character who carries the nickname "The Situation." Not since "Laguna Beach" have I found myself shaking my head at the characters like this. And speaking of the characters...

The male contingent consists of men who have names wholly appropriate to the stereotype on display - Pauly D, Vinny, Ronnie, and Mike (aka "The Situation," as stated before). These gentlemen combine to use an amount of hair product that, if applied all at once, could hold up just about anything. The premiere episode was also stuffed to the gills with mentions of protein shakes, workouts, and new haircuts. I can't say I agree with the lifestyle these guys have chosen, but I do at least give them a couple of points for going all out for it.

And the women... wow. Just, wow. Let's start with Nicole, aka "Snooki." The first words out of her mouth in front of the camera: "I love guidos" and "I'm going to the Jersey Shore...bitch!" Her first official action in the shore house: drink enough alcohol to induce hot tub sloppiness, followed by lateness to work the following day - and the boss doubles as the landlord. In the third episode, she is filmed eating a pickle by first sucking all the juice out of it. That's telling enough, and then you see the trucker hat on her head with the words "Pornstar in Training" emblazoned on the front. Snooki has her own YouTube channel, and it's a veritable gold mine of comedy. And oh, by the way - in tomorrow night's episode, she has an unfortunate crossing of paths with some guido's fist. Then there's Sammi "Sweetheart," who refuses to consider any potential romantic interest without Italian ancestry. She begins by flirting with The Situation, but as the second episode winds down, she appears to check off to Ronnie. In doing so, she causes Ronnie to violate his first rule - "never fall in love at the Jersey Shore."

Angelina might have set a record for the quickest exit from an MTV reality show. I haven't researched it, and you have to account for the fact that most seasons of The Real World ran half-hour episodes, but Angelina is up there. That said, during her short stay on the Shore, she made her mark. Right from the start, she establishes her reputation as the "mother hen," or perhaps what Simmons called the "rooster blocker." While a couple of the guys are sweet-talking some random Shore "women," Angelina walks up on the roof and demands that the boys retire to the interior to "hang out with their roommates." That's like a basketball player driving to the hoop, and a defender coming over from the corner, and flinging himself in the way and taking a flagrant foul. And her exit? She skipped work because she felt like crap after her boyfriend broke it off between them, and then she wouldn't man up and explain it to her boss? Honey, please...your life is not that stressful. I expect the remaining housemates to get along much better with only these seven. And then there's J-Woww. That is her actual nickname. She arrives to the Shore with a boyfriend, but that doesn't stop her from showing a wild streak befitting her nickname. This trait results in the loss of her boyfriend at the end of last week's episode, something she can't seem to completely comprehend. And to top that off? She's from Long Island. A week ago, I returned to my car after class to find a quarter card stuck in my driver's side window, advertising a "Jersey Shore launch party" at a club in Hauppauge, being hosted by the one and only J-Woww. My interest was piqued, but my distaste of those kinds of establishments - to say nothing to the class of people I'd expect to find there - compelled me to abstain.

This show is generating a good chunk of pop culture buzz. I've seen a couple of Jersey Shore name generators already. Yes, I've tried both; no, I'm not going to reveal what names they produced. Tucker Max had a couple of insightful tweets about the show:
Watching "Jersey Shore"--now I understand why the terrorists hate America.
People keep asking me who my favorite girl from Jersey Shore is. Not sure--are any of them dead? I like that one the best.
Texts From Last Night has run several related posts. It even made the news. Last week on the noon news, there was an item about the fist to Snooki's face, revealing that the young man responsible to that punch is a high school teacher. All in all, this is one train wreck that I won't be looking away from.
Tags: bill simmons, comedy, insanity, my new haircut, nauseating detail, tv

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